ATTENTION MEN
Sometimes when I lay in bed awake at night, I think of really intelligent things. So a couple nights ago, I thought it would be wise to clue you in a little bit on what it's like to be pregnant, since you don't seem to understand it at all. For the weak, turn away now...
These are typical pregnancy symptoms. Some women may have more or less. (Disclosure, this is in no way directed to my husband. Love you men, you just need a little help understanding!)

1. Nausea. Ok, this is the biggest pain in my a$$ I've ever known. Men, just think of all the moaning and groaning you do when you have a stomach virus. You can't get out of bed. You don't want to eat. Think of how tasty all that food is coming back up after it has soured in your stomach. Think how miserable you are for those couple of days. Now, try it for 9 months. Come on, you can do it. And by the way, get up and get to work on time, and while you're at it, cook me some dinner, do the laundry, and take the toddler to the potty. After all, it's just a little vomit, 24/7. Who needs sympathy?
2. Bladder leakage. Thank GOD, this has only been a symptom WHILE pregnant. But on the second baby, well lets just say your body has already been through "bladder destruction." Gotta sneeze? Oh my, hold tight, you might wet yourself a little. Gotta throw up? You might as well just SIT on the toilet and PUKE in the can. Cause if not, you can mop when you get done. Coughing hard? Hope you have some kind of pad in your underwear, or at least a change of fresh drawers. But if not, don't worry, no one will ever know. Oh yes, and when putting on your underwear, make sure you put them on right side out. It's very easy to do this wrong when you can't see ANYTHING below your belly button. And, make DOUBLE sure you don't wear them backwards AND inside out. But if you do, you'll be ok. It's pretty hilarious when you discover what you've done, and you can't turn them right side out...because one side is "dirty" already (Who wants to wear underwear dirty on both sides?)
3. Hunger. We're HUNGRY. Don't get between us and our food. Most women love food and have cravings and the like. For me, that is not true at all. How much food do you crave when you have that stomach virus we just talked about? Want a big plate of greasy comfort food? I'd say not. So what do you want to eat? Nothing! But you're hungry. But you don't want anything. But you're hungry. But you don't want anything. Men, in your infinite widsom, please tell me the solution to this.
4. Lack of sleep. You know I mentioned hunger? Well you need to get up to eat at least once or twice during the night. And since your bladder should look like a water balloon and now looks like a pancake, you're gonna have to get up at least three times to pee. And each time, you get to thinking about everything you have to do tomorrow, which causes you to lay in bed a good hour with every waking. And don't worry about the watermelon you have on the front...you can still lay miserably on our side. But don't worry, you won't be tired or grumpy the next day, per your spouse's request. If you are, you might get accused of being "hormonal."
5. Crying. Speaking of hormonal. Please don't show Oprah giving away a car or trip, don't show a new birth on TV, don't show anything sappy on TV, and whatever you do, please don't yell or be an idiot or a jerk. Otherwise, flood gates are open. But that's ok too, we know spouse will come running to wipe away all your tears and make sure you are all better and dry ASAP.
6. Constipated. Hormones cause the digestive tract to slow WAY down, which means, well, pooping is a real reason to celebrate. The good news is this means an instant weight loss, because the poops are like concrete bricks. Oh, and just for a little side drama, when you really need to poop and you just can't, nausea symptoms continue to increase until the big delivery.
7. Back pain. Once I asked a man to carry in each hand 5 lb. weights while we walked a few laps around a track. 2 laps in, I began to hear complaints. Well, now you have the luxury of carrying, oh just 30-40 lb (or more) strapped to the front of your belly 24/7. Your center of gravity has changed, but don't worry, your back muscles must have already somehow been developed and strengthened to carry that weight in that place. And by the way, please pick the older baby up and put her in the middle-of-the-car carseat (where it's safest). Don't worry about the EXTRA 30 pounds, cantilevered. Come on, you can do it. After all, your back muscles get a break after about 16 hours of this in a day. (And the bigger boobs aren't helping the matter either...but we know you love the bigger boobs, so lets don't complain about those!)
8. Foot pain. Using your back to balance your new weight? Well you're using your feet to carry it. Engineering mechanics makes this load path very obvious. Your feet are the footings and the pressure they carry is unusually high. They hurt. Why don't you give them a little rub? Why do we have to ASK?
9. Shortness of breath. All this extra weight and extra stress is causing you shortness of breath. Or, it could be your body is pumping 50% more blood than normal. Your heart hasn't grown by 50%, so just handle it the best you can. Basically, you feel like you have just climbed a mountain, always. But don't worry, you can still try to manage all your chores at the same pace you've always managed.
10. Headache. All the blood pumping, nausea, straining....may cause headache. If we say we have a headache, it's because WE DO. Get back on your side of the bed.
11. Baby kicking. I know you LOVE being punched and kicked in the stomach every once in a while. How bout once a day? How bout once an hour? How bout once a minute? Don't worry, baby will just punch his feet and hands in your lungs, ribs, bladder, and other organs. It won't hurt. It's worth it afterall....maybe your spouse will be able to see those beautiful bumps from the outside. Aren't they sweet?
12. HOT. You don't have any problem freezing us out of the car or home when you're hot. Well it's our turn now. What? You can't handle it? PUT ON A COAT. I can't take anything else off and not get arrested. Thanks for understanding.
13. Fat. Look, the belly is cute. But the truth is, you're fatter everywhere. Your body has retained fluid and fat in your legs, arms, neck, everywhere. I mean, afterall, you have a human living off of you. Might as well have a little fat to help it be well nourished. After the pregnancy, you can get in shape and have the body you've always wanted. You'll have plenty of time to get to the gym in between diaper changes, breast feeding, bottle making, and of course cooking dinner and doing the laundry.
14. Tight stomach. Men, you ever ate a bit too much? Nah, not you, right? Stomach get miserably tight? Harder to breathe? You ain't got a clue what stomach tightness means, so just sit down and shut up.
15. Swollen extremities. Your hands and feet, and possibly legs too, are swollen to the point that shoes are no longer comfortable. But don't worry, you can wear your spouse's water shoes to work. They are nice and cool, and hang off the back of your feet a good 3". Now that's comfort.
16. Gestational diabetes. I saved this one for last because "most" women don't have it. But I did, and probably will have again. For the last 3 months, don't touch sugar. Put away your cereal. If that's all you could find to eat before due to your nausea, I'm sorry. You'll have to find a work around. Also, no bread. No sandwiches. No chips or fries. No fruit. No jelly either, but what do you need that for since you can't have biscuits? Forget about pancakes and syrup and muffins too. No desserts. No cokes or sweet tea. No juice either. Water, meat, and eggs will have to do. Don't worry, throwing up meat in big chunks is one of the funnest things you can look forward to every day.
17. Grumpy spouse. Last but not least, your spouse is grumpy, because spouse just can't seem to figure out why you are so miserable! Spouse is getting tired of all the complaining, so get your a$$ in gear!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!